I’m a stereotypical millennial in many ways—health-conscious, avocado addicted, career-driven while having held what seems like 100s of jobs, and skeptical of the institution of marriage.
While on a personal growth binge, I’ve been reading books on an array of topics from how the brain works, to how the brain works on drugs, to love, relationships, and marriage. I guess a global pandemic is as good a time as any to cut into that tsundoku.
As a child of divorce, as many millennials are, I have approached the idea of marriage tepidly. However, recent research shows millennials are actually divorcing less than their generational counterparts—in part because they are being more selective in their partners and are marrying later in life. If we all load a copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work on our Kindles, perhaps those numbers will drop even further.
Despite being a skeptic, author Dr. John Gottman had me convinced out of the gate not only that I should get married (because of the massive health benefits—yes, I would like an extra eight years of life expectancy, please) but also that I could thrive in marriage, if I put these principles to use. There are many things in life we think are unattainable, simply because we don’t have the tools, knowledge or the map to guide us. If you think you might need assistance, Gottman has the marriage map and compass for you here.
While much self-help literature is grounded in…well, not a whole lot, Gottman’s principles are the result of observations made through seven clinical studies that followed over 700 diverse couples—many of which were completed in a camera-laden Truman Show-esque living “love lab” where participants were hooked up to devices that monitored heart rate, blood velocity, sweat output, respiration and immune function as they interacted with each other. Assessing the “anatomy of marriage” provided Gottman with insights that are unique to the field.
Before Gottman, the field of couples’ therapy was dominated by the idea that communication and active listening were the keys to resolving conflict in marriage. Gottman’s insights shot that out of the water, and he believes that resolving conflict isn’t even necessary to thrive in marriage. What is necessary, before and above anything, is deep-rooted friendship.
Part and parcel to deep friendship is the idea that one’s thoughts about their partner should be pervasively positive, outweighing negative thoughts. A surplus of positive thoughts is referred to as Positive Sentiment Override and helps to protect against feeling adversarial—it leads to partners assuming the best about each other. While we all recently fell in love with the charming Rosebud Motel in Schitt’s Creek, Gottman warns that if it’s negative thoughts that hold the balance in a relationship, couples will be headed for the “Roach Motel,” a place he says is filled with endless conflict and bad feeling.
If friendship is the foundation of every good marriage, Gottman’s seven principles are the ceilings, floors, and framing of what he calls the “Sound Relationship House.” The load-bearing walls of the house are trust and commitment. Now, let’s roll up these blueprints and explore the seven principles in detail.
Principle 1: Enhance your love maps
A love map is essentially information about your partner’s life—their likes, dislikes, best friends, favourite places and fears. It’s the information that allows you to be intimately familiar with your partner. It’s knowing what episode of what show to load on Netflix when you collapse into the couch together, it’s knowing to go easy on the lime when you’re preparing Thai food, or knowing whether it’s Craig, Kyle or Karen that is giving them a hard time at work lately.
Gottman suggests that holding a detailed love map of your partner’s life allows you to better take on stress and conflict, especially when significant changes occur, like the birth of a baby. Why? Simply because you know each other better. Love maps must be updated throughout the course of the marriage, so be prepared to keep up. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is also a workbook, so if you feel your knowledge isn’t satisfactory, there are pages of questions to help you and your partner get to know each other on an elevated level.
Principle 2: Nurture fondness and admiration
For Gottman, no matter what problems exist in a marriage, if a sense of fondness and admiration are present, the marriage can always be saved. Nurturing a sense of fondness and admiration again has much to do with our thinking—its putting a positive spin on your partner’s character and maximizing positive thoughts when they are away, or as Gottman calls it “cherishing” them.
Fondness can be further enhanced by practicing gratitude and saying thank you. When your partner does something like bring you coffee while you’re lounging in bed, walks the dog, fluffs your pillow just how you like it, or remembers a special date, thank them for it and let them know they’re appreciated. Fondness and admiration are antidotes to contempt. Keeping positive feelings about each other high, means that when you face adversity, cataclysmic thoughts like separation and divorce are not the first things that come to mind.
Principle 3: Turn toward each other instead of away
One of my favourite sentiments from Gottman’s book is that “romance is made in the grocery aisle.” It’s the little things, like shopping for produce together, that create moments of connection. Partners are constantly after each other’s attention—when one seeks attention, Gottman calls it a “bid”—the other has the option of either responding to or rebuffing the bid. Responding is turning toward your partner, rebuffing, away.
Each time we turn toward our partner, we are “funding the emotional bank account” and we can turn here if we become emotionally cash-strapped later. Gottman implores us to not underestimate how important the “mini-moments” are—being helpful to each other on a daily basis will do far more for strength and passion in a relationship than a two-week getaway on an island in the sun, he says.
Turning toward your partner creates a positive feedback loop too, so each turn toward, builds momentum like a snowball down a hill. As an example of turning towards, Gottman suggests that couples can implement an evening chat about their days, where they decompress for a few moments in turn, empathizing with each other and providing emotional support.
Principle 4: Let your partner influence you
In an era of increasing gender equality, Gottman’s research indicates men are much less likely to let their partners influence them—even those partners that identify as feminists. He also finds that men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier marriages and were less likely to divorce.
Now that’s not true of all men, and Gottman finds that the number of men who are “emotionally intelligent” and who choose “us” over “me” is growing over time, a kind of social evolution. These men recognize that accepting influence strengthens the friendship and that to win in a relationship you must yield. Yielding to win is a method that comes from the Japanese martial art Aikido, wherein a competitor uses their “opponent’s energy and actions against them, instead of strong-arming them into submission.”
Principle 5: Solve your solvable problems
For Gottman, there are two types of problems in marriage, those that are solvable and those that are perpetual and will remain in your life forever. It’s not always straightforward but examples of solvable problems are choosing a car, finding time for a date night, and managing housework. Perpetual problems are enduring differences in opinion, for example on having children, philosophies on the role of family in our lives, or how to spend and save.
To resolve solvable problems, issues must be addressed head-on, but in an emotionally intelligent way. When couples are broaching these problems, Gottman suggests following these steps. First, ensure you open dialogue in a soft way—going straight for an artery is just going to make a mess so be careful. Be polite, be appreciative of your partner, take responsibility, don’t criticize, and most importantly, don’t let these problems fester for too long, address them early.
Next, learn to make and receive “repair attempts.” These are actions intended to de-escalate the tension if things get heated. This could be anything from letting your partner know you understand and respect their perspectives, to pulling the emergency brake and taking a twenty-minute time out.
Third, soothe yourself and each other. When biological alarm bells start ringing—increased blood pressure or rapid heart rate, it’s time to slow down. Individually, or together, this is a great moment to pause, relax, lay down and breathe. You may even want to develop an imaginary tranquil setting that calms both of you down and either go there in your mind, or take your partner with you, describing all you are seeing. Fourth, compromise. Couples need to find ways to accommodate each other—remember to accept each other’s influence, and that, to win, you must yield.
Lastly, these conversations are often tough and can leave one or both partners feeling emotionally injured. These injuries, whether a partner felt embarrassed, abandoned, or lost, need to be addressed immediately lest they fester to become constant irritants. Check in with each other and ensure neither are feeling hurt before pressing the conversation forward.
Principle 6: Overcome gridlock
Gridlock is the result of perpetual problems going unresolved—the couple is at a standstill making no progress, and rather likely, drifting away emotionally. When gridlock happens, Gottman suggests that there will be no humour or softness in how these problems are addressed and neither partner will be willing to accommodate.
To overcome gridlock, or to avoid it altogether, it’s important to understand your partner and where their positions on a particular issue are rooted—understanding their history. Gottman suggests that many perpetual problems are linked to life goals or dreams and to personal identity and family.
For example, for a couple with different philosophies on money and how to spend it, it would help to understand that the free-spending partner’s grandparents were well known for providing charity to their community’s needy, and that sharing wealth is a part of this person’s identity, rather than a simple habit that can be altered.
Therefore, though you may not ever come to a solution, you know your partner’s position and why they feel the way they do, making it much easier to live with a problem perpetually. You may not like it, but at least you understand it.
Principle 7: Create shared meaning
Finally, successful marriages should all have a spiritual aspect, or an inner life together—creating rituals, symbols, customs, and ultimately a “micro-culture” that is unique to your relationship. Customs might include Saturday morning coffee and crosswords and evening dog walks. Rituals might be baking cakes for a child’s birthday, trips into the woods, or a yearly honeymoon.
This micro-culture should ultimately create shared meaning between partners, and this will reduce conflict and keep gridlock at bay. There are four pillars of shared meaning. The first is rituals of connection, which are structured events you enjoy, that serve to strengthen togetherness. This could be Sunday dinner or Friday date night, and likely there will be some sort of symbolism behind these rituals—for example, perhaps Sunday dinner was a big part of your childhood.
Second, is supporting your partner’s role in the marriage and in life—who do they identify as? Their occupation? As a husband, a wife, a father? Find out and ensure you support and affirm all of their identities. Third is shared goals—share your deepest goals with your partner, and while they don’t have to be goals for you both, work at achieving them together. Fourth are shared values and symbols. Values are the philosophical tenets that you let guide your lives and symbols are those things that fill your home and have deep meaning, for example pictures, a piece of furniture with a family history, or perhaps items you have saved since your early dating days.
Gottman shows that a successful marriage is a lot more than side-stepping conflict, and no matter how in the weeds we might think a marriage is, if friendship persists, there is probably a way to save it. Even the Obamas, who look like a fairy-tale to many, have opened up about the challenges they have faced in their relationship. In a 2009 interview, Michelle said, “If my ups and downs, our ups and downs in our marriage can help young couples sort of realize that good marriages take work…It’s unfair to the institution of marriage, and it’s unfair for young people who are trying to build something, to project this perfection that doesn’t exist.” What’s obvious with the Obama’s is their bedrock of friendship.
For a millennial who wasn’t quite sold on the idea of marriage, Gottman provides some confidence inspiring blueprints. While much of the book uses imagery related to building a house, I’ve also heard relationships being likened to baking a cake—if that’s the case then the perfect cake needs just seven ingredients and Gottman’s not just a doctor and a master carpenter, he’s also a Michelin Star chef pâtissier.
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